This post is dedicated to one of my subscribers as he requested a post on the matter of having no friends and what do about it.
If you are lonely and have no friends and feel that, you are different or weird somehow then carry on reading. The feeling of loneliness is engrained in our DNA as it comes from our ancestors. Humans in the past used to live in tribes, when a member broke a code, tribe members would be sent away as punishment for violating the tribe’s rules. This was a matter for many people to obey whatever was believed to avoid abandonment, as it was scary. In short, the disadvantages were endless to be alone.
Surely, that is not the case nowadays as we live in different settings. Having no friends isn’t about being rejected by your tribe. Rejection is experienced by many people from all walks of life. In fact, there are many beautiful talented people who are shy and so afraid of being rejected due to many things. They may have had negative or disappointing experiences.
In my case, I am an introverted person, not as a teacher though, during my childhood, teenage years and early twenties had difficulties to communicate with others. Although I enjoyed being alone, I really wanted to have friends to bond with. Some of the relations I had with my fellow males were superficial and did not carry depth. My relations at the time with the people at the time who I thought to be friends were only for benefits.
Together but Alone!
In my experience, It was either we were flatmates (3 to four) who spent some evening’s together playing cards, PlayStation, or classmates from university who played pool and drank in pubs. Most dialogues were about picking up girls, clothes, shoes, music and clubbing nothing deeper or meaningful.
It was as if someone felt or looked vulnerable that could be a sign that the person is weak and not worthy to know or spend time with. Thus no one wanted to share their weaknesses or at least be listened to.
When one of us had a sensitive or embarrassing moment, the rest would mock and make jokes about the person that’s why we avoided making mistakes or being put in foolish situations.
Am I unintelligent?
We have such practice in some education systems as students strive to get high scores due to the constant pressure from the system as it rewards the ones with high scores and indirectly punishes the ones with lower ones.
Some students with lower grades feel alone or isolated as they may think they are unintelligent and in some cases when they make a mistake they are exposed to mockery by their peers.
My friends and I seemed as we were together but we were only like a herd. When someone in the group had a new girl, two or three boys from the group will be competing to pull that girl away from him which was sickening to me.
As adult relationships are weird as well. I was hired to work in a school as an English language teacher. The English department had twenty teachers eighteen were females. Right from the first day, when we got to know each other, all had big smiles and deep lovely voices and that’s ok normally but this was odd a bit. Some began to be best friends right from the first day!
Are we friends, co-workers, both or neither?
One middle-aged colleague stood and said we should meet somewhere outside and have a drink. Since everyone accepted and I felt the overwhelming, pressure to accept the offer. It was a fun evening but what surprised me was some of my colleagues became friends and even decided to visit each other’s home and that happened within the first week of schools. Wow! I thought to myself.
Before you know it a month passed by and our room felt tense. Colleagues who wanted to be friends turned on each other and quit talking. An atmosphere of gossips and hate took all over the place. I decided to not rest during my break times and instead I sat in the cafeteria.
Why most of us fail to communicate with each other?
In my experience, very few people around me were confident and were not afraid to express themselves. How on Earth did they manage to communicate by using the right words and get support without prejudices from their surroundings?
For this reason, I read and researched the topic of why many people are alone or carry on living without having a real friend or have many every certain period. I know someone who changes friends frequently. She names each one of them as a best friend, which is interesting! Do you consider her relationships with others as deep or meaningful?
I mainly found two points that make the difference if we want to have reliable and trustworthy friends around us.
#1 Get Closer
I believe that most of us are afraid of getting closer to anyone. Getting closer means showing our dark sides or skeletons in the closet. In other words, showing who we really are. Think about it, how do you think anyone would know you without getting closer to you.
Getting closer to someone then opening yourself to them shows both confidence and vulnerability and I know that most of us don’t want to feel weak or miserable. How else would you find real friends who honor who you really are?
Getting closer to someone may not be that easy but it ‘s the best way because it is a bold move and you will have to train yourself to do it. You have to take risks to strike a small conversation. You have to be genuine. I will share fun two exercises to do later. Those exercises will help you sharpen your confidence and communication skills.
Let me tell you something, you have the choice to open up and come closer to anyone. To be like this you will need a shift in your perspective for example you will need to approach the person from really wanting to know the type of point of intention. You are not looking to get rid of your frequent boredom, you are looking to build a connection.
What to do when you approach a person?
Well, when you approach a person you believe a is a good candidate for friendship, your intention has to be like having a relationship based on understanding each other regardless of your differences.
#2 Nurture your friend (Give & Take)
Another point is to keep in mind that the relationship should be built upon nurturing and caring for each other.
How would you build this mutual thing of understanding and nurturing?
Simple! Ask and it shall be given. State this in every relation you want to build. If the candidate you want to be friend with does not have that understanding, then teach them, yes teach them! Many people in the modern society do not understand the idea of nurturing, some believe that a relationship with someone is your partner has to provide or give something all the time.
In my experience many of the people around me did not comprehend the idea of giving and nurturing or maybe gave a bit but took all the time, they took, ate and sucked everything from the relationship till nothing left in it. I called them vampires or leeches (pardon my language!)
Be humble!
You have strengths and weaknesses and so your friend. Friendships must be built upon mutual respect. Relationships are built upon cornerstones. I advise you to decide on the type of the friendship you want to have.
What do you long to experience in a long lasting friendship?
Some of us love to use mockery as a way to deliver interest through different ways of fun which can be ok if that is what is expected in the relationship, it isn’t my thing. I may like a bit here and there. I don’t feel offended or of that sort but not my thing.
What is the cornerstone in your relationship?
Some cultures consider mockery in a relationship as key, some consider being playful friends, some business friends, and some are shisha, cigar, or alcohol friends. The list goes on and on…
You are the one to choose the cornerstone of the bond and see what works for you in a relationship. You might even want to experiment and explore what makes alive and loved. Focus on something that will build the team.
Build rejection muscles (Exercises)
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results Einstein once said. If you are alone and wanting to have friends, you must pull yourself together and head outside to the world alone. The exercises of this post will help you expand your energy and experience. They are a way to reconstruct you from the inside to the outside.
Exercise #1 Go to the most crowded street in your city preferably the city center where people are all over the place. Go alone, find a spot, and just lie down on the ground for five minutes. The spot has to be crowded; people must be going around walking. If anyone comes and asks you whether you are ok, say “I’m alright, I just want to take some rest!”
This exercise is fun and marvelous. You will see the world from a different perspective. Surely, from down but also you will see people’s different reactions. You will see how deeply programmed we are to comply with societal rules and dogma. This experience will imprint new powerful energy to your spirit with confidence.
I remember I had challenged two of my high school students to do this exercise at the bus station hub in the city center. The place is daily filled with people and buses. The three of us picked our spots and lied down there of course far from buses :). I saw the excitement in their faces after the experiment as they expressed their joy and gratitude.
Exercise #2 Go to any pub, bar, or café and collect ten telephone numbers. Find your opposite sex and ask for their phone number! Tell them that you accepted a challenge to collect ten numbers from complete strangers and that you promise you will not bother them. You can ask them to write you a fake number as well since you are doing this challenge for yourself to build your confidence and rejection muscles.
What if they reject you?
Next. Learn this word very well and spell it to yourself N.E.X.T if anyone rejects you, then it is their issue but not yours, they may not be in the mode, they may not like talking to strangers as the majority does. Most of us are trained from an early age not to talk to strangers anyway so don’t be disappointed when someone rejects you.
Everything begins with you!
You are the maker and designer of your life so take responsibility. The societal code doesn’t encourage people to be brave as it appears to protect and it does somehow but most times we tend to miss opportunities in virtue of following these codes.
A solid relationship
Think of relationship as a small tree you planted to grow in your garden. For a relationship to become solid, it takes time, effort and trust exactly like a tree you plant in a field. A relationship needs closeness, care and love and remember that you must take the first step by initiating small talks and positive intentions. Once you are there and believe that the person is worth being with then state clearly what you expect to have in it. Good luck!
Love & Gratitude